As a mom, I've been a bit of a failure over the last year. Sure I've loved my kids with all of my heart, taken care of their basic needs, but I have failed in a big way. I haven't been their teacher, their instructor, a presence in their lives, I've been here but I haven't been HERE.
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old, they will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NIV
In the last year I've accomplished a lot. I've gotten straight A's in school, kept the house well, cooked healthy meals for my family, lost a great deal of weight, run my first 10k, completed bible studies, and taken care of my kids.
However I've also done frivolous things like binge watched 10 seasons of Grey's anatomy for the 4th time, played hours of Skyrim since it was released for the xbox one, and scrolled through my facebook news feed every 20 minutes on some days.
What I haven't done, was be present enough to invest in the training and character of my kids. My boys, my little blessings, the children God entrusted in my care, have greatly suffered for it, and they don't even know it. Now that I've realized it myself, it's time I made some changes.
The boys are often disrespectful, lash out in anger when they are punished, hitting each other when they are angry with each other, and lack self control in just about everything. I blamed them. It was their fault. Why couldn't they behave? Why couldn't they do better? Why are they acting like this?
But it isn't their fault, it's mine.
I'm disrespectful when I don't let them speak their minds because I'm too busy punishing them. I lash out in anger when I punish them for their wrong doing. I use corporal punishment when I don't like something they do. I lack self control when they make mistakes no matter how big or small. I'm modeling the exact same behavior that I'm seeing in them every day, I do nothing else. Sure I talk to them, I play with them, but I also do so little to teach them to be good, kind, and in control of their emotions.
By the way, this isn't easy. None of us as moms want to admit to our faults and failures as parents. We fear judgement of others. I'm trying not to fear right now. The only judgement I should fear is the judgement of the Lord. My hope is that my admittance reminds other moms that feeling failure is normal and we all make mistakes when raising our kids, because none of us are perfect. So moving on, what am I going to do about it?
I had a major realization of just what is happening the day after Christmas, which was actually Christmas Day for everyone else. Our kids had had their new toys for only one day. When I put their train table together in their room, I told them that if they took the tracks apart, I would take them away. Not only did they throw the tracks all over the room before the day was out, but a new toy got broken and another one bent, and less than 24 hours after they received these things. I must admit I went a little crazy. I yelled a lot, I took every new thing they received out of their room, I banned them from video games, I yelled a lot more. I was so beyond frustrated with them! After all of this, I knew that taking away their things was a good punishment, then I realized I went about it all wrong. I had become this mom monster that my kids didn't like, and I didn't like.
I began to realize where the problems lie. Why was Timmy constantly "parenting" Billy? Because I put that on him. It was always small commands that I thought nothing of. I wasn't asking him to punish his brother. "Timmy, go check on Billy." "Timmy, get your brother away from there." Timmy, tell your brother to get out of there." I was setting him up for the parent role because I was too busy to take it on myself. He was delivering punishment the way he saw me do it. Yikes! So what am I doing about this? It's a tough habit for him to break, he just immediately hits his brother when he is doing something wrong. So now it's my job to teach him to talk to his brother about the things he doesn't like, and come to me if the problem persists. It's not his job, but my job, and I promised him I would do it better.
Why does Billy have no self control? Sure, some of it has to do with age and personality, but it certainly doesn't have to be as bad as it is. He has no structure. Why? Because I don't offer him any. I keep saying to myself, that he is going to preschool in the fall, he'll get structure there. But it's not their job to fix the problem, it's mine. I think a big culprit lies in the number of hours he spends a day playing video games. Since Timmy has been in school, we have implemented a rule that he is only to play video games on the weekends. However, I've continued to let Billy play them throughout the week. Not only that, but most days while I'm busy doing other things, whether important or frivolous, I've let him play video games most days from the time Timmy leaves until he returns. The day goes by so quickly I don't even realize he is playing video games for almost seven hours a day! And he's only 4 years old! Well, change is coming. Video games will be restricted to the weekends and no more than an hour a day on the weekdays if he earns it. I will make more time to be there for him by cutting out the things I don't need. The constant checking of facebook, and keeping the TV off for most of the day. He deserves better from me. He thinks it's great of course that he is playing games all day, it's so much fun! But it's my job to find other ways for him to have fun, and give him more structure.
Moving on, I've been working on setting up a new structure. I've only just begun so there will be changes all the time, but here is what is happening now.
More responsibility: I spend many hours a day cleaning up after my family, and the most I ask of the boys is to clean their room every couple of weeks and clear their plate from the table. Occasionally I ask them to help me clean the living room and throw something away. Part of their punishment for treating their toys badly was a lot of chores yesterday. Sweeping the floor, cleaning every room with me, vacuuming, putting their own stuff away, taking out the trash, wiping down their space after eating, putting their clothing on hangers and hanging it in the closet. What did I discover? Two boys arguing over who got to take the trash out, wipe down the counter tops, and put their clothing on hangers. Two boys who WANTED to do these things. Why didn't I try this sooner? I've always heard kids crave structure and responsibility, and now I'm witnessing it. I plan to make a chore chart for them to remind me of the importance of this. An added bonus is that having their help frees up my time to spend more time enjoying them and less time shooing them away because I'm cleaning up.
Less screen time: No video games during the week, for either of them. I'm still working out the TV details but I'm thinking an hour of cartoons in the afternoon and an hour in the evening every day. I'm also working out a way to make them earn their screen time.
Daily devotionals: I found a great character qualities worksheet to work off of. Every week a new character quality and memory verse. We started with Truth vs. Deception. Lying has become a problem, especially with Timmy, so this is a great place to start. If anyone is interested in a copy of the character qualities worksheet for their own kids, just ask!
Daily workbook time: For Timmy this means practicing things like sight words, and writing. For Billy, this might mean a sticker workbook, or coloring. Either way, they need some education at home, not just at school.
Daily reading time: Especially because Timmy is learning to read. Grab some books, sit on the couch, and either read or look at the pictures. This gives me a little quiet time and gives them structure as well.
Adjusting their punishment: Screaming at them and constant corporal punishment obviously isn't working. I believe in spanking when it is well deserved for the most serious issues. Punishment looks different for every child. It would seem that taking away the things they love is effective, and when I return their train tracks to them today and remind them what happens if they mistreat their toys, the result will be an indication of the effectiveness of this punishment. I also plan not to punish them in anger, even if that means taking a few moments to calm my nerves before deciding how to handle a situation.
In your anger do not sin, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Ephesians 4:26
I am praying and hopeful that these changes will bring about change in my boys and myself. All three of my children are blessings from the Lord, and they need me to be their instructor and love them unconditionally.
I've said it already, there are many ways I need to work out these changes, and for any of you who have read this entire post, that may have suggestions or wisdom in the area of parenting, I will happily accept any advice or comments on how to improve myself and teach my kids in this area.
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