The Struggles and Praises of 2011

Our family has had some pretty intense struggles from the beginning. Right before we found out we were pregnant with Timmy, Tim had lost his current job, and we were living on unemployment and love for a long time. As a matter of fact, during my pregnancy, Tim went for his CDL and even then, didn't find a job until November 2010, and it wasn't even a driving job. We continued to struggle to meet our financial needs. We were using government assistance to heat our home in the winter, and to pay for groceries, and luckily had the help of many friends and family as we did our best to provide for our son and work through the struggle. 
Fast forward, May 2011, Tim is still working in a grocery store, and we are so strapped, I decide it's time for me to get a part time job that I can work around his schedule. We just had no luck, and we kept praying, knowing God wasn't far away, and seeing us struggle. "Lord we don't know how much more we can handle" Our wedding was 4 months away, we had nothing at all for it, and no money coming in anytime in the near future that wasn't already going towards our essentials. The bills got backed up, we had our cable shut off a few times, and fell behind on just about everything else. Tim had been trying to find a driving job that he wouldn't be away for weeks at a time, but to no avail. 
He had applied and interviewed at GFS about three or four times. Just kept going up, not giving up. Then, at the very end of may in 2011, one of Tim's interviews lands him a job driving for GFS! It's time to get cracking on this wedding stuff.
By the time we were caught up with bills we had less than three months to pay for this wedding. So of course, money was still tight, despite the major increase in salary. I had quit my job after only working about a month. We still had only one car and I wouldn't have been able to drive to work. Plus I would have only been paying for day care anyway. 
We bought our second car, a minivan, at the end of June. We hadn't had two cars since I got pregnant. I had to sell my s 10 to the junkyard for some extra cash. It was so nice, if Tim was at work, and I needed to take Timmy somewhere, or go somewhere, I could go. 
So, we had a fabulous and amazing wedding!

On our wedding day.

We are finally getting to see the pictures from it. I'll do a special blog about it when I get them all back :)

Anyway, as I look under our tree, and see all the amazing toys and fun stuff we have wrapped for Timmy to open Christmas morning, it really makes me look back at last year, when if it weren't for the organization Nurse Family Partnership, we wouldn't have had any gifts for him at all. We have been off government assistance since June, and despite the slightly tight financial situation we're in due to Christmas, its nothing like it used to be, and we are so grateful to God for seeing when we'd had enough, and providing for in the way we needed.

I'm also thinking about the fact that for other family members and friends of ours, there is a current struggle in their lives. I'll keep them anonymous, but you know who you are, and I'm praying SO hard for you right now. It's hard not to feel guilty about the things in my life, but I have to remember to always be grateful to God, and praise him no matter what. We don't always understand his plan, but we're not supposed to. There is always going to be some sort of tragedy or heartache in someone's life out there, and for my family, we're experiencing that now. I will keep my faith, and keep praying for everyone who needs it. And anyone who is reading this, if you need a prayer also, let me know, I'd be happy to say one for you!

Little Man, Big Emotions

I used to talk to Timmy all the time about Daddy when he was on the road. At the age he was, of course, he just sat there and listen, and when he'd hear him on the phone he'd wave at him, the cutest thing ever. It never seemed to bother him much that Daddy was away, even though he was SO happy to see him when he'd get home.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Timmy is starting to feel emotions about it now. A few days ago I said to Timmy "where's Daddy?" Immediately he turned is head toward the stairs and started waving. (He does that when Daddy either comes in the door or comes downstairs from a nap) He just kept looking and waving, and when Daddy didn't come down the steps, he layed his head on the couch, and sobbed.
Well, this absolutely broke my heart. :( If I had known he would have gotten upset, I wouldn't have said anything. Already at such a young age, he's feeling these emotions of sadness when his Daddy isn't home. The last time he came home, Timmy heard the front door opening and bolted to the baby gate to see him. Something else he never used to do.
Tim is such a wonderful provider, and he amazes me all the time with the sacrifices he makes so I can live my own dream of staying home with my son, and any other future children, to watch them grow, and to guide them in the right direction. I get to take care of my husband, I get to take care of Timmy. I have such an amazing life because of him. But it's also very hard. I wish he didn't have to go, and I know he wishes he didn't have to go either. Being a truck driver's wife is not easy, no easier than being a truck driver. 
To my loving husband:
Thank you so much for everything you do to take care of us and make sure we are happy and healthy! 
We love you!

One year gone by....

/.  <------ That was via Timmy as I was getting ready to start this blog, and I left it, because it's all about him!
My little man is ONE YEAR OLD! WOW!

You know, most people would say to me "can you believe it, one year?" and actually, yes, I can. It really does feel like it's been a year. But I'm not going to worry that it means something is wrong with me. I will joyfully proclaim that time has been passing nice and slow, and I've been able to enjoy every moment with my little boy, and easily reflect on all of the ups and downs I've had in the last year watching him grow and develop more each day.
I often find myself watching him, sometimes playing, sometimes asleep, wondering "who will this child be when he grows up? what will he accomplish in life? will he go to college? get married? have children? What wonderful things did God put this child on this earth to do?
I've noticed as he is turning one, he is babbling more and more. Saying only a few words. Mama Daddy Uh-oh and fish. But he's trying to repeat the things we say (better watch what we say :)
He's not walking yet, but he's so close! He walks when we hold his hands, when he's holding onto one of his walking toys, or in his walker. And he pushes himself along on his four wheeler. Cutest thing ever! He has four teeth now, and he uses them! Every once in awhile he gets me good!
It has been such a blessing and a joy to watch this beautiful baby grow up, and from the time he was in my tummy, feel him grow up. It's so incredible that we can produce such wonderful gifts like him!
I'm going to reminisce a little about my pregnancy and labor and delivery. You can skip this part if you like :)
We had been talking about having a baby for awhile, and I was unsure for awhile. Then on Christmas Day, 2009 when I told my husband I was ready to have a baby and he was so excited!. By February, we had found out that we were expecting. That was fast! Let the fun begin! I did so great in the earliest months. Eating healthy, exercising, and then, the morning sickness hit, and it hit HARD! I was sick, all day every day. Ended up in the hospital twice for dehydration, not able to keep anything down in a 24 hour or more period. Got an IV and was sent on my way, which kept me good for a few days until it started up again.
Once the morning sickness FINALLY ended, it was great! I loved being pregnant! Watching this little life move around inside my belly, I could always tell towards the end when he was sticking his butt in the air! We really wanted a boy, and I cried when I found out we were having our little Timothy Wayne Barnes III!
Fast forward, the end of the road. I was 37 weeks, and I couldn't take it anymore! So swollen, my feet hurt too much to even walk from it. I could swear I was pre eclampsic, but was never actually diagnosed. At 38 weeks my doctor didn't want to take anymore chances with my blood pressure, and decided to induce me on September 30th. 4 days before my due date.

It was 6am when I walked into the hospital, and I was scared for the first time. YIKES! This is it! At 7am I was settled in and by 8am I was having the hard contractions. I'd like to think I was a trooper. For the first 8 hours, I didn't think labor was too bad. It hurt, yes, but I handled it well. My husband and my best friend were my support system, covered in blankets while I was sweating my butt off with the air conditioning cranked WAY up.
4pm! I didn't think it would be taking this long! After 8 hours, I got the epidural. I didn't want to, I wanted a natrual delivery, but I couldn't focus anymore, I need to learn more focusing techniques thats for sure!
8pm, still not there! I went all the way to 9 cm, but I didn't efface completely. Tried pushing for a little bit, and they tried to move things around in there so baby could come past, but it just wasn't happening. Then, my doctor, came in and said "lets get that baby out" At this point, despite how I wanted to do things, I was like "lets go!" Now I'm glad I got the epidural earlier on. It was so easy for them to whisk me off to surgery.

And then, at 9:18 pm. 9 pound 6.5 ounces, and 21 inches long, on his Daddy's 30th birthday, Timothy Wayne Barnes III came into the world via c section. So many tears. Daddy and I were crying, even though I only got to see this beautiful life for a few seconds, I heard his cry, and it was the most amazing thing!!
After 3 hours in the ICU for recovery I was brought into my room and got to hold him, my precious boy!
Then, more pain, the epidural went too far into my spine, and I had the worst headache of my life. I didn't know what the problem was, and I suffered for 4 days with this headache, only feeling relief when I was lying down. Daddy was great, he did everything for Timmy (except feed him of course) then I took Timmy to the ped the day after my discharge for a weight check and she suggested I go to the ER. After all of the doctors on the maternity ward, who should have known what was wrong with me, told me it was gas, the ER doctor knew what was wrong. I had a spinal fluid leak. I had to get a blood patch to fix it, great, another needle in my spine. But just hours after the procedure, I was great! And luckily, the hospital let me stay in the maternity ward to recover so I could have my little guy right there with me. 
Was it difficult? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. It took me awhile to get over all of the suffering, but eventually, I did.

When I was pregnant, I was scared I wasn't going to love him, the way all mothers love their children. It never felt real to me, through the whole pregnancy. Then all my fears were gone, as I looked down at him and knew God meant for me to be this child's mother. Because he knew I'd love and care for him like I never did anyone else.